It's not just about us anymore.
Our history was nearly erased. We fought, And fought, And fought; To find a place, To be heard, To bring back a few grains of what we've lost. There are voices running around us; The voice of a boy who walked home with iced tea and skittles, The voice of a woman who was peacefully reading in her car, The voice of a man who was taking a jog, The voice of a boy who was playing with his toy gun, The voice of a man who CAN'T BREATHE, Voices of many others brutally murdered, Voices of those who never stood a chance, Voices of many who were unarmed, Voices of many dead, innocent children, Many of whom never had a voice at all. They forcefully carve their existences Into our story; Into the spoken textbooks of our people. These are stories, Names, Friends, And family That cannot be forgotten. They need to be acknowledged Because they, too, have become a part of our story; A part of our journey To the promised land our people have constantly sought. We cannot turn our backs on them Because they, too, are fighting, And fighting, And fighting; To find their place, To be heard, To bring back their homes, To find justice for the people they lost, And for the history that will also be erased If we don't take a stand together.
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I am an angel
Slowly burning away Ashes flying up towards the heavens Piece by piece I've sat And I've observed As you became the seraph You truly thought you'd be But no one knows of the secret Of how you've already fallen From God's reach You've created this facade Gluing together your crown From my delicate bones Your wings Recreated from my ashes To show the prestige you claim to have But unbeknownst to the world You're a demon There is no place for me
I'm too feminine to chill with the boys But not enough of a woman to go take pictures with the girls The walls don't need to speak Their eyes already told me everything I'm an outsider An automatic outcast I don't belong anywhere I can imagine living that life
Having someone to hold me when I have a bad day Having someone hug me from behind while I'm doing my work Cooking for each other Taking care of each other when we're both sick Doing all the cute things that couples do But for some reason I can't imagine doing those things with you A future with you It doesn't exist I've removed the chains that have been attached to my spirit and body
But chains like these don't latch on to you like Velcro They've been hooked on And I've had to rip them off of me Tearing apart my body Tearing apart my soul What hurts now is the aftermath The leftover gashes And soon enough Scars will appear All that's left Is to let these wounds heal And in due time Our body And our soul Will grow from this You've been appearing in my dreams a lot lately.
Sometimes, I wonder if what you're doing is for real Or not... How are you doing today? Is everything okay? Have you Been thinking about me lately too? Has the turmoil and guilt settled down? Is your heart returning to its right place again? I have so many questions - So many I may be unable to say; So many I'll just forget to say Being in your presence. I've been slowly admitting my feelings towards you. Maybe this is why I've been so hurt; Maybe this is why it's so hard to let that night go. Will I be happy knowing nothing really won't happen? Am I happy to know that you'll at least be happy while you live your life? Where will we be in five years? Will you still be in my life? Will I have a place in your's? Heh...there we go with the questions again... That day still makes me sad. I didn't get anything out of it afterward, And I shouldn't have expected much. But, hearing you tell me what you said... It was enough to know that there was A chance. But hey, You were drunk. God, why is this always happening...? Hey. I hope you're doing well, dear. What I feel, The things I think about - They won't really go anywhere, Will they? It always goes back to me living my life. It feels as if I've been walking alone For a very long time now. I crave for this warmth, But I want it to be unnecessary. My soul will continue to chase you, And many others ahead. This end goal is bleak, While my dreams of reality shine before me. Those dreams are so close to me, So why do I keep turning around? What's so intriguing about jumping into the unknown, Knowing that there's a hell of a good chance that there will already be Nothing? I will continue to contemplate about these things As I always have; Whenever my body faces nothingness, Whenever someone like you lures my mind To drift again. Patrick Murray -
"I don't wanna fall in love, if you don't wanna try." 15 hours; 10 a.m. texts. Squirrels and clementine; Smoke, cigarette smoke. Light and darkness; Jesus Christ in a lens. Hot days, green tent; Your "favorite" days: rainy days. Drives, Home, Talks, Wrecking, Birthday, Sriracha, Pong. Just a plain old text. Avengers. Summer fling; one side. "All that I've been thinking of, is maybe that you might" - Kevin Matheson. When you told me I was the only one to know, I felt something in my heart...I really did. When I finally saw you smiling at her, I felt something in my heart...I really did. I run the extra mile for you.
Sometimes, I even would've died for you. I give days and nights of driving; But emotions are still all over the place, Just side-winding. I grind to the edge, But your interests don't falter. Wood so hard, But I still ain't on your altar. I gave you one-hundred and ten percent; I was always there. But, now I can see that you weren't even there at all, This shit was never fair. You tell them you will always be there for them, You wrote that to them today. Fuck, I was with you Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So, what the fuck am I - just ya mutha fuckin slave? I'm doing everything for you, I treat you right; You should've put me on save. But okay, I think I get it now, You really just want to be a friend... With me, him, and who else? Just give those DM's a send. I can tell you what, I know what I deserve. If you want me again, Step the fuck up or imma let you swerve. Our promise was just thrown in a fire.
Who would've thought that it would expire. I never settle for less, Thought we were a success. Didn't think you were gone, But now, I'm moving on. Your curiosity just felt so surreal, But then the look in your eyes said, "No deal!" Our distance became great; We can't go back now - too late! We tried rekindling the ashes, But then Life came with sickening flashes. She presented the reality of us... Well, she showed me because I made a fuss. Whatever you see or whatever you hear, It's all on you now since things still aren't clear. Well, that's what it feels like for me. Life told me things and I agree. Our origins sit on a crumbling rock, With the sound of our foundation crying, "Tick-tock." "How could you do this to me?" I pondered as I went to pee. The buzz that I got wasn't from the beer... Your genitals were there - why was it so near? I've sat and thought; I still toss and turn. Your actions from then and now still burn. I walked in your direction while you lead the way, But I fell in a hole at the end of the day. You have no idea what you're doing. I'm frustrated, depressed - it's all just confusing. With the help of another...and many others too; They'll shoot me towards the stars, and definitely away from you. I got out of bed.
I made my bed, But got back in eventually. It's now a mess, but who cares. I put clothes on As if I was heading to school in this quarantined state. Maybe it would've helped me be productive. That's what I thought. Turns out I spent most of the day watching The Office. I made my oatmeal for brunch. It's probably the only fiber I've been getting lately, Alongside the whole wheat toast I have Every once in awhile. I also ate dinner. Fortunately, my housemate cooked and shared. It's one less thing to worry about. I'm grateful, Really. I tried my best to be productive today. I've been eating right in the past few days, I'm still striving to be productive, And I'm still fulfilling my goal to make my bed everyday. But, At the end of the day, I broke down. I had an epiphany. Reality held me by the neck, Letting me know that I really Am not Okay. |
AuthorMy name is Alexander Fang. I'm a college student studying Pharmaceutical Chemistry at University of California, Davis. This site is an amalgamation of my thoughts, dreams, and the reality I live in. It will consist of my writing, mostly. Archives
August 2020
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